Ae Dil Hai Mushkil .. Very Mushkil to watch

There’s a scene in the movie when Ayan (Ranbir Kapoor) and Saba (Aishwarya Rai) are at an art show hosting Saba’s ex-husband’s works and Ayan asks if she can understand this art. Because he clearly can’t understand anything. That is how I felt throughout the movie. It is some form of high art meant for rich and emotionally evolved adults, that in comprehending it, my intelligence crumbled like a cookie kept in Bournvita for three hours.

The movie begins with Ayan being interviewed and the whole story is told through the super long and sad interview. Ayan is a rich guy (private jet rich) and is doing MBA in London but wants to be a singer and has a hot girlfriend. Alizeh (Anushka Sharma) is bold, beautiful, independent and rich enough to come to London to recover from a break-up in Lucknow (but not so rich as to afford private jets). And whattey name-Alizeh- Rightly exotic and earthy! She lives life freely the way those with money can do by going for Bollywood dance classes and hot yoga classes and partying and occasionally sitting alone on some terrace to introspect, because she’s also intelligent. She chooses to use all that intelligence to school Ayan into getting a spine, dumping his golddigger girlfriend and instead following her shenanigans to live life with complete abandon and joy . She uses her wit and charming personality to mutter old Bollywood dialogues at the right time in the movie. Because, hey, a fun and intelligent girl is like that only. At first it’s all parties and dancing and fun-stuff which you assume must be fun because it looks so good and pretty in London and Paris and whatnot. It’s like Rich Kids of Instagram in movie version.

We find that Alizeh the free-spirit still loves that ex-boyfriend, DJ Ali (Fawad Khan) so much that she’s returning to him and leaving newfound bestestesteststs friend and puppy Ayan behind to get married to Hot Stuff. Proving along the way that any woman will leave a nice guy for Hot Stuff Fawad. She then invites Ayan to India to be her family as she gets married in the most lavish Nawabi wedding as can be afforded by someone who’s a DJ and a free-spirit. God, how must it feel to have wealthy parents that you can literally do whatever you want? Except of course find true love and all that jazz.

Whenever I’m doing a book or song or movie with my kids, I ask them one question in different versions to see if they can summarize and pull out the essence of the material they engaged with – What is the main idea or what is this about? My answer after the first half was that this movie is about being massively friendzoned. I don’t feel sorry for anyone but myself and the viewers at this part.

At this point, my brain is thinking – What is this, I don’t even.. And then you get Saba who’s a Shayara. She’s bold, beautiful, independent and rich just like our other heroine. She lives in Vienna while writing shayari. This whole idea of poets and artists living in penury and poverty must be a hoax, or must be based on only ugly artists. Because clearly these beautiful artists are very very well-off. No, rich.

Rai’s whole performance can be summarized thus: Look I’m being sexy with my looks and my urdu words even though my facial muscles cannot move at all. I’m gonna bite my lip in every scene and make-out with Ayan everywhere because we are passionate artists.  Again, this might be high art. Her performance is so understated or subtle or some such thing, that there’s more meat and meaning in her Loreal ads.

There are awkward scenes which I’m guessing are supposed to be emotionally intense or deep or whatever, but just make me say – Bas hamse na ho payega. 

Towards the end, the movie devolves into some complicated love quadrangle that my brain cannot describe with words. The movie is reminiscent of all Karan Johar movies and all those movies where modern young people and millenials have first world problems coming in the way. Music from his previous works play at some opportune moments, so I don’t know if it’s some major spoofing happening, or if it’s some clever attempt at irony or just done because they can.  If this is how modern love is, it sure is a megaclusterfuck. It’s very difficult to like any of the characters perhaps because I have the emotional intelligence of a porcupine.But the characters themselves display the emotional maturity of a protozoan.

Then there are these lines – oh god, the lines. Understanding Hindi and Urdu is not very easy for me these days, so these lyrical gems are completely lost on me.

Pyar mein junoon hai par dosti mein sukoon hai. Translation : Friendship is chills.

Main kisi ki zaroorat nahi … khwaish banna chahti hoon Translation : I want to be desired, because I’m so sexy.

Ek tarfa pyar ki taqat hi kuch aur hoti hai … auron ke rishton ki tarah yeh do logon mein nahi bat’ti … sirf mera haq hai ispe Translation : I’m going to love you, because I can. I can be creepy, but it’s my right. What you gonna do about that?

Kisi ne kabhi aapko suddenly chaata mara hai … phaat … us chaante ko ishq kehte hai … aur woh chaanta aur zor se padta hai jab koi teesra aa jaata hai. Translation : WHAT THE FUCK? CAN I SLAP YOU FOR SAYING THAT LINE?

I’m sure young people all over will put these as their status updates like they did with lines from Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara and will feel that Karan Johar has given cadence and credibility to their inner most thoughts and feelings. I don’t know why people even have such thoughts.

Even as I write this, I’m still thinking what the point of this movie was. Why? Sure relationships are complicated, but you are just making it pointlessly complicated. This movie made me hate humanity more than I already do.

My review : UGHS. I’m hoping the Vigil Idiot will do more justice.

BUT I LOVE RANBIR KAPOOR AND SHAH RUKH KHAN. OKAY?